


Someone Stole my Sexbang!

by Laurana117



Category: Game Grumps, Smosh
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Kidnapping, M/M, Pigeons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3754747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurana117/pseuds/Laurana117
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Danny Sexbang is kidnapped off of the streets of Los Angeles while on a bagel run it is up to Egoraptor, Ninja Brian, and Kevin to save him. Can the unlikely party of three settle their differences and save Daniel Y. Sexbang? <br/>Or will Ninja Brian kill everyone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't sleep one night and watched too much game grumps. I'm sorry.

Danny Sexbang was minding his own business, strumming a ukulele as he walked in circles around the grump lair when suddenly the craving for a bagel happened across him. His stomach growled, hungry for food and not sex, for once.

He set the ukulele down, much to Kevin’s approval. Kevin had been editing grump episodes all day and the constant ukulele playing had been driving him up the wall.

Currently all the other grumps were out attending to other business, leaving Danny and Kevin alone in the grump lair.

“Kevin, I’m craving a bagel.” Danny announced.

“Yeah?” Kevin called, not even looking away from the screen where he was adding wolf jobs into the episode.

“Yes. And I fear I must leave you. I have to go on an epic quest for a bagel.” Danny said.

“Okay. I’ll see you when you get back.” Kevin said.

Danny saluted Kevin before he made sure that his kimono was secure, and then he left the grump lair.

Kevin waited for four seconds, and then he started blasting Vampire Weekend.

~Across Town~

Danny was exiting the bagel shop with four bagels in hand, three for him and half of one for Kevin. Barry had forbade Danny from feeding Kevin after a bad matzo ball incident, and in his other hand Daniel Y. Sexbang held a steaming coffee. He would probably be grumping late into the evening with Arin, and it wouldn’t hurt to get the caffeine started now.

But right when Danny was stepping out of the shop, a van with a weird linear symbol screeched up to the curb and a few masked men and one Asian girl ran out. The girl took Danny’s bagels and coffee and the guys grabbed Danny by the kimono. They knew better than to touch the hair, it was sacred after all.

“My bagels! What is this? Let me go!” Danny said. But then he was pushed into the van.

“We’ll tell you later, and you’ll get your bagels soon enough.” The Asian girl said threateningly.

~Back at the Grump Lair~

Several hours had passed and Kevin hadn’t seen Danny. He was starting to get concerned, so he called Danny’s phone.

But then he heard the buzzing across the room. Danny’s phone was on his desk, he hadn’t taken it. His kimono didn’t have pockets, and he could only fit his wallet in his boxers before it got weird.

So if Danny got lost there was almost no way Kevin could find him.

Kevin called Barry.

“Hiya Kevin! How’s the editing going?” Barry asked when he answered.

“It’s going great, I’m just rendering now. Anyway, is Dan with you? Are you at home?” Kevin asked.

“Nope to both. I’m with Suzy. She’s giving me a face mask.” Barry said happily.

“Well Dan left a few hours ago to get bagels, and he hasn’t made it back. I was wondering if he went home or something. He left his phone here.” Kevin said.

“Oh that doesn’t sound good. Danny is probably lost, have you tried calling Arin? They’re probably together.” Barry said.

_“Ohh Barry, I have the nail polish!”_ Kevin heard in the background. Suzy. Suzy was painting Barry’s nails. Kevin wasn’t going to spend too long pondering that.

“Okay, I’ll call Arin. Do you know where he is?”

“Nope!” Barry said. “He said that he was going to go to the grump lair later, so he’ll probably head in your direction soon.”

“Awesome.” Kevin said. “I’ll call Arin, and by the way Barry, your coloring doesn’t support yellow nails. So don’t do yellow.”

“Fuck you Kevin.” Barry said fondly. Then he hung up.

Kevin immediately called Arin.

“Hey Kevin, what’s up?” Arin answered.

“Hi Arin! Uh, I was just wondering if you’d seen Dan recently.”

“No.” Arin’s voice turned serious. “Is he not with you?”

“No, and he’s not with Barry. He left a while ago to go get bagels but he hasn’t come back. Barry thought that you might know where he is.”

Kevin heard Arin make a strange sound, it sounded really mad but also worried. He’d never heard Arin sound like that before, this must be serious.

“I’ll be there soon, I know who can help us find him.” Arin said.

“Should I call the cops?” Kevin asked.

“No. They won’t help us.” Arin said. “We need someone better than the cops.”

“Markiplier?” Kevin asked. “His voice can be pretty scary.”

“No, Mark would be no help. No, don’t worry about it Kevin. Just keep working on the editing. I’ll take care of this.”

“What exactly is this?”

“I think someone kidnapped Danny Sexbang. And they’re about to go through hell. No one takes my Not-so-grump without my permission.” Arin said in a menacing tone.

Kevin’s jaw dropped. “What.”

But he was met with phone static, Arin had hung up.

Kevin shrugged, and turned back to the editing. Arin would be here soon, he would know what to do. Dan would be fine.

Distantly Kevin heard the door open an hour later, Arin must have hurried right over.

Kevin looked, and sure enough Arin looked frantic as he stepped into the room. He had his cell phone out and he was calling someone. Who could he be calling so frantically, if Dan wasn’t going to answer?

Kevin got his answer when Arin made a face. “Hello? Did someone pick up?”

Arin was met with silence. He waited a few beats and then he said, “Okay, I’m going to assume that you’re listening. Anyway, Dan is missing and I don’t know how to find him. He left his phone here and he left several hours ago to get bagels. You’re the only one I trust to find him. Please help.”

Arin waited for a little bit again, and then he hung up the phone. He looked forlornly out of the window, Kevin couldn’t imagine how worried Arin must be.

After Arin and Suzy had announced that they were no longer a couple and hadn’t really been one for years (they were better as each-others best friend, like platonic soulmates) Dan and Arin had been hanging out a lot. Kevin was pretty sure that Dan was just trying to be a good supportive friend for Arin. Because Dan knew about loss and sadness for sure, Kevin had listened to Sky hill late one night. The next day he had been unable to look at the giggly and happy Danny Sexbang and think that someone had hurt him enough to make that beautiful album.


	2. A new plan

Before Kevin could tap another key at his computer the door to the grump lair burst open and a black blur ran in. Kevin grabbed his pub mix in shock, but then he saw that it was just a guy in a ninja costume.

But it wasn’t just any ninja costume, it was Ninja Brian. Danny Sexbang’s roommate and life partner. How did he get here from London so fast?

“Brian! You made it.” Arin said with a smile. “I was worried that my call didn’t get through.”

Brian just gave Arin a meaningful look. Then he turned around and stared at Kevin. Kevin just waved back. Brian looked like he was sizing Kevin up.

Kevin had listened to every NSP song, and never once had it said anything about Brian eating people, so Kevin hoped he was safe.

“Dude! Why are you blasting Vampire Weekend? Don’t you know Brian hates this band?” Arin said to Kevin.

“No! I didn’t know, and I didn’t know you were calling Brian!” Kevin said as he turned the punk music off.

Brian held up a hand and then he went to the refrigerator and pulled a banana out. How he was going to eat it, Kevin had no idea.

“So how is Brian supposed to help us? And how did he get here from Britain so fast?” Kevin asked after a long silence.

“Brian is the leading expert in Danny Sexbang. He knew Danny during his hobo days and always managed to find him. I’m sure that he can find Dan now. And he’s a theoretical physicist, they can travel at the speed of light. Didn’t you know that?” Arin said.

Brian raised his eyebrows and nodded at Kevin. Kevin held his hands up in surrender.

~Across Town~

“Okay this is getting really creepy. I don’t know who any of you are, but I know that she’s Asian and I’m in a kimono and I’m jewish, and I hope I haven’t offended anyone-“ Dan was saying. He was blindfolded so he couldn’t see anything.

The blind fold was ripped off and Dan found himself in a really colorful room with a bunch of cameras. They made him uneasy. He hadn’t had time to touch up his make up or anything, and the camera might show his age.

A small Asian girl handed Dan a bagel and untied one of his hands.

“Hello?” Dan asked.

“He is a lot taller than I expected.” A guy with glasses said from across the room. He was surveying Dan a lot. “Although that is a kick ass kimono.”

“I have a better one.” The Asian girl said.

A guy with corn colored hair and creepy eyes leaned in Dan’s face. “He doesn’t look thirty five.”

Dan frowned. “Hey! I’ll have you know that age is just a number!”

The Asian girl smiled at him. “You’re like, ten years older than me. But you are absolutely adorable.” She said.

“Can I at least know your names?”  Dan asked.

“I’m Mari.” The Asian girl said.

“I’m Joven.” The guy with glasses said.

“I’m lasercorn.” The corn haired guy said.

“Do you know who we are?” Joven asked dramatically.

“Game Grumps fans?”

“You’re hopeless.” Mari said.

~Back in the Grumps Lair~

Brian had just finished eating his banana and Kevin felt like his eyes would never be the same. He had seen the face.

Arin didn’t even seem fazed by the face. He was too busy pacing and wondering what he was going to do about the Sexbang situation. If only it were Tuesday, then they would have a much easier time sniffing Dan out.

“Should I make an announcement on an episode? Tell the Lovelies that Dan has gone missing and we’re looking for him?” Arin asked.

Kevin thought it over. But before he could chime his opinion in, Brian threw a ninja star at Arin. It imbedded in the wall above Arin’s head.

There was a note attached to it. Arin read the note.

“That’s genius!” Arin said. “Kevin, get in the car. We have work to do.”

Kevin followed Arin to the car wondering where they were going.


	3. Chapter 3

“We’re the Smosh games! Do you really not know who we are?” The Asian girl was saying to Dan.

“Oh! I’ve heard of you guys!” Dan said.

“Yes?”

“My fans hate you guys a lot. Something about selling out. Super mean. But hey, we’re the game grumps so we don’t expect our fans to be super nice. And I’m from New Jersey so I really don’t need people to be nice to me.”

Their mouths hung open at that. “But you’re a big warm fuzzy!” Jovenshire said.

“I’m Danny Sexbang. Man of Steel erection. I don’t need people to be nice to me on the internet.” Dan said.

“Dude. TMI.” Mari said. “But I bet you’re wondering why we brought you here.”

“Yeah man.”

“Don’t call me a man.” Mari said. “We brought you here because our views have been dropping and we need a new personality. Someone out of the video game world, but also special and iconic. So we picked you.”

“Also your office is right across the street.” Lasercorn said.

“You kidnapped me for views?” Dan asked. “You really are sell outs.”

Just then the door busted down and a guy with a bowl hair cut and a trendy hair cut walked into the room.

“Who dares call us sell outs?” Ian Hecox asked with the booming voice of someone with other 20 million subscribers.

“I did.” Dan said. “But it was really just some Jersey humor. I think you guys are great.”

“Why do you have some wannabe Japanese porn star in here?” Anthony Padilla asked with the nonchalance of an LA primadonna.

“I haven’t done porn in years!” Dan said. “And your guys kidnapped me!”

“Mari is not a guy.” Ian said. “I would know. She wore a skirt the other day.”

“Why did you kidnap the porn star?” Anthony asked the Smosh games guys.

“Because our views are down and we thought if we put him in a video it would help.” Joven said.

Anthony sighed. “I told you to go for Dan and Phil!” He said.

“We don’t have the budget to go to London.” Lasercorn said bitterly.

“Ha! We went to Japan!” Dan boasted.

“You really could have gotten a better quality kimono if you were there.” Mari said.

“I got this off the internet for five dollars.” Dan defended himself.

“It shows.” Anthony said. “Anyway, I guess since he’s here we might as well make a video. Then lets put him back. He looks a little homeless.”

“I’m not homeless! I’m just Jewish!”

“Dude. That’s racist.”

~Across Town~

Kevin followed Arin and Brian up to Ross’s front door.

“Why are we going to Ross’s house?” Kevin asked.

“Shh.” Arin said. Then he knocked on the door.

Ross answered the door fifteen minutes later and Kevin had to avert his eyes. Ross had been doing a stream all day it appeared. He was wearing yesterdays clothes and it didn’t look like he’d showered in about three days. It was gross. Kevin would never understand WOW and LOL.

Brian threw a knife and stuck Ross to the wall by the sleeve of his shirt. It was pretty cool.

Kevin only shrugged as they let themselves into the house. “Dan is missing. We’re going to find him.” He said.

“Why don’t you ask Barry? If Dan isn’t with Arin then he should be with Barry.” Ross said.

“Barry is with Suzy. They’re doing their nails.”

Kevin had to hurry because Arin and Barry were letting themselves into Ross’s backyard. “What the fuck guys?” Kevin asked before he saw.

Holly’s pigeon house.

Of course.

They would ask Holly to have her birds sniff Dan out! This was a fullproof plan!


End file.
